LOVE RULES'

========== Love Rules ==========

The first rule in Love is that you can't fall in love with someone you don't fancy. You find someone intellectually stimulating, interesting, kind and warm. In fact, you love being with him, but... his teeth stick out. Or he's shorter than you. Honestly - do you still fancy him? Which brings us to the second basic law of human chemistry:

A relationship with someone considerably more attractive than you is doomed to failure. Squeal and shout. Protest all you like. But when it comes to finding a lifelong partner, most people end up with someone roughly in the same category as themselves on the looks and charm scale. To put it crudely, if you're about a six on a scale of 10, I'll bet good money that your partner's some where between a 5 and a 7. Forget all the drama. When a relationship comes to an end, it's not some bizarre and arbitrary phenomenon, some inexplicable occurrence; it's the inevitable and logical working out of a mathematical equation where X always liked Y more than Y liked X. Why was that? Because X was a six and Y was a nine, that's why.

Stage one: the first spark ==================

Your eyes meet across a crowded room. Something happens and your life changes forever. It all begins with a tiny spark - an invisible chemical attraction that draws two people together. You could have a strange feeling that you have known that person before. Or you can feel totally comfortable or at ease with that person. Connection can occur on several different levels, often at the same time; mentally, when two minds "click", emotionally, when two personalities are "simpatico," or spiritually, when two souls vibrate at the same frequency. You know it when it happens. But!! A strong connection is not the same thing as being in love, nor does it automatically mean you are meant for each other. Connection is important between any two people who want to pursue a relationship, but it is only the first step. You can connect with many people over the course of your lifetime, but it is only by following through on the rest of the steps that you can know if this is truly the love of your life. So, wait and look ...hard and fast ...before you leap!

Stage two: getting to know you =====================

Now comes the "getting to know you" phase. You slowly begin to get to know the other person. You reveal your personal histories and share stories. With each new piece of information, layers are peeled back, and you draw closer to each other's core essence. This stage is very important because this is when you find out the information you will need to assess whether your new partner will ultimately be compatible with you. If this stage is rushed or overlooked, you may find yourself with someone whom you either do not really know or who is not right for you. In the midst of learning all the wonderful new things about your partner and the exhilaration of revealing your innermost thoughts, it can be a challenge to proceed with your eyes open and your antennae tuned. Though it may be tempting to keep the rose-coloured glasses firmly in place so as to not burst your bubble of happiness, peek over the rims of those glasses often to keep at least one eye on reality. Use this stage as an opportunity to explore your potential partner, both inside and out. Ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Ask about the basics. Where does he live? What does he do for a living? What does he do for fun? Does he have any pets? About his family...are they close? Ask about his preferences, his past, his hopes and goals. The answers will help you paint a complete picture of who this person is and how he got to be that way. Watch how he communicates and treats people - his friends, your friends, family, waiters, cab drivers, the man on the street .... or anyone at all. All these interaction provide clues into his true nature. Observe his actions in relation to you. Is he generous? Does he call when he says he will? Does he make you feel special? At the same time that you are getting to know your potential partner, he is also getting to know you. Take care not to mislead him into believing you are different from who you really are. By definition, a façade naturally prohibits you from connecting on an authentic level. You will waste both your time and his by leading him down a deceptive trail. Ask the hard questions. It's often difficult to interrogate your potential partner about where he stands on major life issues. But asking the hard questions early on is the best way to know what you are getting yourself into. Hard questions can range from how religious he is, to whether he wants children. There are ways to ask the hard questions without coming across like the tax office. One way is to approach the issue generally in conversation, to get a sense of where the person stands. Or, if you prefer, you can approach the issue directly, asking gently in passing, without pressure and in a casual tone of voice. Granted, asking the hard questions sometimes yields responses that you may not want to hear, but at least you will be in possession of all the facts and can make an informed choice about whether this is the right person for you.

Stage three: does this work for you====================

Assuming you and your partner have successfully transited the exploration stage and decided to go forward, you then enter the "make or break" phase: Evaluation. You weigh the pros and cons of your relationship and assess whether it is worth your continued investment. People choose partners based on something changeable or transitory - looks, money, job, sexual prowess - only to find the relationship collapse the moment one of those features disappears. You need to bear in mind that evaluating your partner on transitory features can be dangerous... Maybe you have made a list of qualities you would like your partner to have. Now is the time to review that list to see how close your potential partner comes to what you are looking for. If you have no such list, take an objective look at your partner and your relationship, and assess what works for you, what doesn't, and what you can and cannot live with. Either way, the process entails observing, evaluating and choosing whether to continue the relationship or abandon it. It is tempting to forget all about what you want in a guy if you have to abandon your criteria when you are faced with ending your new relationship. But try and distance yourself from things and view them dispassionately. It is easier said than done, I'll admit. However, the truer you are to yourself and your requirements, the happier you will be in the long run. A little denial in the present can cause a lot of pain in the future. Also, you need to know that evaluation is a process that has no right answers. The objective is to create as much certainty as possible in your head, your heart, and your gut in order to be confident and comfortable with whatever you choose. Follow your gut. Your intuition. Your instinct. It never lets you down.

Stage four: closer by the hour =====================

So, you met the guy, the chemistry is great and what you see, you love. And you are all ready to take things a step further. You want to get intimate... You know that this is the relationship you want to pursue, and that you and your partner are ready to move into the next stage of love: Building the bonds of intimacy. Intimacy is built through a deepening of your initial connection. It is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and, at the same time, making it safe for your beloved to disclose his deepest feeling and thoughts. Building intimacy is an action. You need to make the effort. While connection and emotional chemistry are important in intimacy, you and your partner have to take small steps towards each other. The first thing you need to do is to open the door and allow your partner to see who you really are. Tell the truth about yourself - truth about things that you are not necessarily proud of. This way you offer your partner the opportunity to see your most basic human side. Exposing your fears, concerns, jealousies or uncomfortable truths from your past puts you at your most vulnerable and invites your partner to accept you fully as you are. Sharing hopes, wishes and dreams creates bonds between people. Revealing private thoughts makes the man in your life feel like he is someone important. Withholding builds walls, disclosing builds bridges. So, if he is the one, you need to make the effort to share as much of yourself as you can. Talk to him. Tell him your dreams, your fears. Give him the opportunity to share parts of his soul with you too. And that is the best way to get closer and build a strong bond between two people.

Stage five: you're hooked! ================= Ok!!

Now you want to take things one step further. You want to move from "I think I want this relationship" to "I know I want this relationship". You want to commit. Committing does not mean you are no longer afraid, or that you are 100 per cent certain that what you are about to do is absolutely the right thing. One part of you feels that this is the thing you ought to be doing and the rest of you is willing to take the risk of being wrong. Both partners have to commit if the relationship is to last. Some people shy away from commitment because they are afraid of making mistakes. They may have a history of past mistakes, for which they mentally flog themselves. Before they can ever commit to another relationship, they must forgive themselves and heal those wounds. This is something each person must do for himself. It is a solo journey. What you can do is to make it safe for him to disclose his fears and wait for him to be ready. If he takes longer than your patience or timetable allows, then you will need to make a choice about whether to stay or move on. If you are the one who is willing but unable to make the shift from maybe to yes, then you will need to look inside yourself and examine what is standing in your way. Some people want a guarantee that they are making the right choice and that this is "it". But commitment requires some measure of risk. There are no guarantees in life. The best you can do is search your heart for your truth, and if it tells you that this person is who you want, then you will have to take a leap of faith. You may never be totally 100 per cent certain that you are doing the right thing, but at the very least, you will learn some valuable life lessons. At the very most, you will initiate yourself in love's higher realms and experience the bliss of a sacred union.


Sure, falling in love is fun and wonderful -- it's the greatest feeling in the world. But keep in mind that you're going to hit the bottom eventually. And that doesn't feel so good.